Stacey (not her real name) is a couple therapist. During supervision, she discussed the case of Bill and Carol (not their real names). Stacey reported feeling ‘stuck’ with Bill.
“He keeps saying he wants to repair his relationship and will do anything Carol needs. Then we agree to homework like arranging a date or making time to hang out after dinner to chat, using Open-ended questions, but every session, he says he didn’t do it and when I ask why not, he just shrugs and looks away. I feel infuriated, and it’s all I can do to contain myself. “
You may recognise the therapist’s response as countertransference. We all experience it at different times.
What is Countertransference?
Countertransference refers to the therapist's emotional response to a client based on the therapist's unresolved conflicts, experiences, or emotional needs. In the context of couple therapy, countertransference can occur when the therapist begins to experience strong emotional reactions to one or both partners that stem from the therapist's own personal history or unresolved issues.
For example, a therapist may find themselves feeling particularly protective of one partner due to similarities between that partner and someone from the therapist's past, or they may experience frustration with a couple's dynamic that triggers their own unresolved relationship issues.
In Stacey’s case, she recognised that as a child, her father often made promises he didn’t keep that left her feeling disappointed, sad, unloved, and yes, you guessed it, angry. So angry, in fact, she and her father have been estranged for nearly 15 years.
Impact of Countertransference in Couple Therapy
Countertransference can have both positive and negative impacts on couple therapy. When managed effectively, it can provide valuable insight into the therapist's emotional responses and personal biases, leading to a deeper understanding of the couple's dynamic. However, countertransference can compromise the therapist's ability to remain neutral and objective if left unchecked, potentially undermining the therapeutic process.
When Stacey first started talking about this countertransference, she shared that in response to Bill’s lack of follow-through, she would often lecture him, causing him to withdraw more, and then the session would become about Stacey and Carol both trying to convince Bill to ‘step up’. Clearly a negative impact.
Positive countertransference can manifest as genuine empathy, understanding, and a strong therapeutic alliance with the couple.
During supervision, Stacey and her supervisor talked about the concept of ‘relentless empathy’ and the idea that whatever behaviour we see from our client makes perfect sense to the client. If it doesn’t make sense to the therapist or partner, then we haven’t fully understood the client.
Stacey was encouraged to get empathically curious and to be gentle in her approach to Bill.
It took a few sessions to gain Bill’s trust again, but eventually, what she and Carol learnt was that as a child, Bill, who was raised by a single mother, was constantly told to ‘make mummy happy’, ‘make mummy proud’. Bill tearfully shared examples of the extreme attempts he made to achieve this, only to find his mother critical and often contemptuous of his attempts, humiliating him in public, in front of school friends, teammates, etc. So, he decided that the best way to deal with this was to stop trying. If he didn’t try, he couldn’t disappoint, and he could escape her criticism and contempt. This meant that his mother eventually stopped paying attention to him, and they developed and continue to have a very distant relationship.
Stacey (and Carol) gave Bill a lot of genuine empathy for this loss of mother love in his life and reassured him that his efforts would be acknowledged and appreciated. Slowly, Bill began to instigate couple moments with Carol, and Carol made sure to appreciate his efforts, remembering to check her instinct to point out anything that wasn’t entirely ‘up to scratch’ instead, talking later during general conversation about how ‘we’ could make things work better e.g. leave our phones in the basket by the door with our keys when we come home thus developing the ‘we-ness’ in the relationship.
Strategies for Managing Countertransference
Therapists can employ several strategies to manage countertransference in couple therapy effectively.
- Self-awareness. Therapists must be attuned to their own emotional reactions and be willing to explore the possible sources of these reactions. This may involve seeking supervision or personal therapy to process and understand their emotional responses;
- Professional development, workshops, reading, and peer consultation groups focused on managing countertransference can be helpful. These opportunities provide therapists with the tools and support needed to constructively recognise and address their emotional reactions;
- Developing a clearly articulated therapeutic stance that includes the establishment of clear boundaries Therapists must maintain a professional distance from their clients and refrain from allowing personal feelings and experiences to influence their interactions with the couple. By setting and adhering to boundaries, therapists can create a safe and objective space for the couple to explore their relationship dynamics; and,
- Regular self-reflection and supervision are critical for managing countertransference. Through open and honest communication with a supervisor or peer, therapists can gain valuable insights into their emotional responses and receive guidance on navigating and addressing them effectively.
It's important for therapists to remember that countertransference is not a sign of incompetence or weakness but rather a natural aspect of the therapeutic relationship. By embracing their vulnerability and seeking to understand the sources of their emotional reactions, therapists can become more attuned to the needs of the couples they work with and provide more effective support.
Ultimately, the goal of managing countertransference is to ensure that the therapist's emotional responses do not interfere with the therapeutic process but instead contributes to a deeper understanding of the couple's dynamic. When therapists can recognise and address their countertransference, they can create a more supportive and effective therapeutic environment for the couples they work with.
Countertransference is a natural and inevitable aspect of the therapeutic process, particularly relevant in the context of couple therapy. By acknowledging and managing your countertransference reactions, you can enhance your ability to remain objective, empathetic, and effective in supporting couples through their challenges and influencing them to make positive changes in their relationship.
And hey! You might even learn something new about yourself!