The reprocessing of relationship events, incidences, and issues that have created hurt, trauma, sadness, and grief is a long-term process that is not necessarily completed at the end of therapy - regardless of how emotionally corrective the therapy may have been. Our minds and bodies do not simply or completely move on. Traumatic memories, pain, and fear linger cognitively and somatically, resurfacing at unexpected times. When these triggers arise, a re-experiencing of the event or pain can occur, catapulting the partner back into strong emotions such as feeling unsafe, angry, and hurt. For couples, this can be a very difficult and confusing experience, especially when they believe the hurt has already been processed in therapy. It is crucial to recognise that these experiences are a normal and important stage of healing, and how the couple responds to these triggers is critical to their continued recovery.
Understanding TARR: A Trigger Management Tool
TARR is a trigger management support tool that provides couples with practical guidance during painful moments of recovery. Humans are naturally inclined to avoid negative stimuli, so when a partner is triggered, responses often include suppression, dismissal, defensiveness, or frustration over not being "over it yet." However, these reactions are lost opportunities for deeper repair, attunement, and trust-building. Just as firefighters train to run into the fire, couples must learn to turn toward their partner’s pain rather than away from it. TARR provides four simple steps to support the healing of relationship injuries:
T - Tell: The triggered partner expresses their emotions and experience, while the other partner turns toward them with empathy and openness.
A - Acknowledge: The listening partner validates the trigger, offering understanding and acceptance without defensiveness.
R - Responsibility: The responsible partner takes ownership of their past actions and expresses remorse. This can be simple and direct, for example, “I know my actions caused this hurt, and I’m deeply sorry.”
R - Reassurance: The responsible partner affirms their commitment to change, ensuring that the behaviors that led to the hurt will not be repeated. They restate their dedication to the relationship’s healing process.
TARR is an easy-to-remember, actionable tool for couples to use as a form of relapse prevention and trigger management. Many couples appreciate its structure, as it supports them in facing emotional pain together rather than retreating from it.
Clinical Case Example: Applying TARR in Couples Therapy
Paul and Tina had been in therapy for six months, working through the aftermath of an emotional affair Paul had a year prior. While Tina had expressed her desire to rebuild trust and move forward, she continued to struggle with intrusive thoughts and sudden emotional reactions whenever she was reminded of the affair. One evening, while watching a movie together, a scene involving infidelity triggered Tina’s feelings of betrayal. She became visibly upset, withdrew from Paul, and later snapped at him over a minor disagreement. Paul, feeling frustrated, responded defensively, saying, “I thought we had moved past this already.” This led to an argument that left them both feeling disconnected and discouraged.
The next day in therapy, their therapist introduced TARR as a structured approach to managing these painful moments. Together, they practiced using the steps:
T - Tell: Tina shared her experience of being triggered by the movie scene. She explained how it transported her back to the painful memories of discovering the affair, making her feel unsafe and uncertain about their relationship again.
A - Acknowledge: Paul actively listened and acknowledged Tina’s emotions without dismissing or defending himself. He said, “I can see how that scene reminded you of the pain I caused. It makes sense why that would hurt you.”
R - Responsibility: Instead of becoming defensive, Paul took ownership of his past actions. He gently said, “I know my actions led to this pain, and I am deeply sorry. I hate that I hurt you like this.”
R - Reassurance: Paul reassured Tina by reaffirming his commitment to their relationship and emphasizing his dedication to trust-building. He said, “I will never put us in that situation again. I love you, and I am fully committed to our healing and to being someone you can trust.”
Tina felt heard and comforted rather than dismissed. Instead of escalating into conflict, this structured response helped them reconnect and strengthen their bond. Over time, practicing TARR allowed them to navigate triggers with greater emotional safety, reinforcing their healing journey.
By utilizing TARR, Paul and Tina gained a tangible tool for managing difficult moments, deepening their understanding of each other, and fostering a renewed sense of trust. Turning towards pain rather than away from it helped them transform distressing triggers into opportunities for connection and healing.
Healing from betrayal is a continuous process, and managing triggers effectively is an essential part of that journey. TARR provides couples with a structured, empathetic, and action-oriented approach to navigate painful moments. By embracing this method, partners can transform emotional setbacks into opportunities for greater trust, emotional safety, and long-term healing. The ability to turn toward one another in moments of distress ultimately strengthens the foundation of a resilient and connected relationship.