Well, how to describe this year without using words like unprecedented, lockdowns, COVID 19, pandemic, strain, and stress. Ok, so I don’t think it is possible. 2020 has been a beast of year that has drained our resources on all levels. Families and friends separated from each other, support networks and activities reduced or reconfigured for much of the population at different times throughout the year. Jobs ] lost, the economy dipped into recession for the first time in 30 years, and many people have used their superfunds to stay afloat. People are seeking support of psychological and relationship services in numbers never seen before. Co-existing with this, 2020 has created opportunities to build resilience and adjust our lives and to reflect on what is important, what we want more of, less of and what we want to change.
Words like ‘change’, ‘unprecedented’, ‘crazy’, have been thrown around daily in our lives over the past 7 months. COVID, shut-down, quarantine, isolation have become conditions we have had to learn to live with. They have all become associated with negative feelings, fear, hopelessness, and most of us feel like we are in a constant state of survival. This is a very hard way to live and yet we are managing it. The conditions that have led to this state of affairs have changed irrevocably how we will live in the future - greater awareness on hygiene, social distancing, management of viral illness both at a macro and micro level. On top of that, we are also aware that trying to go back to our old ways leads to community relapse and results in a re-emergence of infections, loss and distress.
These same conditions can be found when we take a look at relationships that begin to struggle.
Love can bring with it an intoxicating and powerful mix of emotions and chemicals that change a person’s perspectives, thinking, and feelings instantaneously. Love can turn people into writers and poets and into gentler, more empathetic, and attentive versions of themselves, but as we know, love doesn’t always work. We are all too familiar with the frequent stories of failed love, people reporting the honeymoon suddenly ending, and noticing all the annoying habits of the other. With conflict escalating the relationship soon falls apart.
Can current research shed light on what is happens to love?
By now you have mastered hand-washing, social distancing and staying at home as much as possible and even though it’s only been a few weeks my guess is it already feels endless. Uncertainty is a nerve wracking state to live in, even for a short time. So many questions, so few answers. This situation, on top of the increased intensity of living more closely together for more prolonged periods with our loved ones can feel overwhelming and put more pressure on our relationships.
The COVID-19 pandemic impact is unprecedented. Our country, our planet has never experienced such a widespread contraction of an infectious condition since the Spanish Flu in 1918. Everyday information is coming to light about the rate of infections, globally and locally new restriction are enforced, borders are closing down, the movement of people limited, gatherings large and now small are outlawed, some industries such as tourism and hospitality have been decimated, supermarket shelves are being emptied as fast as they are filled, with media coverage reporting panic buying and fear.
I was recently having a conversation with a couple about what brought them to therapy. Pat was saying, “I don’t really know. I know it was my idea to come, but now that we are here I don’t quite know how to explain it. I just feel, I don’t know, like stunted or something.”
On further exploration, what Pat was saying was that while their relationship seemed, on the surface, to be successful, there was something missing – a sense of individuality, a sense of personal growth, personal achievement and a sense of thriving.
In the first session of the Gottman Bringing Baby Home Program, couples are asked the somewhat mandatory 'transition to parenthood' questions.
1. What words would you use to describe how you see the transition to parenthood?
2. What physical changes do you feel you will experience?
3. What psychological changes do you feel you will experience?
For many couples, this is the first time they will get to think about how they might answer these questions. New parents have a generalised notion about some of the changes that may occur, but they almost always involve the baby or personal changes. Very rarely do couples think about the impact of the transition to parenthood on THEM and their partnership.
Through the 45 years of continuous Gottman research, we have learned a lot about conflict and conflict management. It turns out that conflict management is not just about what and how we communicate with our partners using gentle start-ups, making repairs and accepting influence but also about what our body and brain are doing during conflict. John Gottman noticed in his research that when couples conflict escalated it was not only their words, tone, and volume that escalated it was also their heart rates and the amount of stress hormones being secreted. We call this Flooding or Diffuse Physiological Arousal. The research findings were compelling.
Marathon therapy is an intensive form of couples therapy. It can come in many forms depending on the individual therapist’s preferences and approaches. Generally speaking though marathon couples therapy is not that different from standard weekly or fortnightly couples therapy, it just all gets done in a couple of days and creates a more emotionally intense process for the couple. So how do we do it?
At Relationship Institute Australasia we have been offering marathon therapy for the last 6 years and have found a process that seems to work well for both us and for our couples. Like standard couples therapy there are still 3 phases that we take each couple through.
Dr John Gottman’s research spanning over 40 years and interviewing over 3000 couples found the strongest indicators of relationship breakdown are the use of what he called the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. These are:
Dr John Gottman found through his research that there were two types of couples: The Disasters and The Masters of Relationship. The Masters rarely used the 4 horsemen in their communication. Instead, they were able to speak more gently to their partners, take responsibility for their part in the conflict, talk about how they felt and self soothe if they became overwhelmed. Gottman Identified these as the Antidotes to the Four Horsemen.
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