As part of his research on what makes relationships work, Dr John Gottman recruited several hundred newlyweds, observed how they interacted together, interviewed them and had them fill in a range of questionnaires designed to get a baseline on how stable their relationships were. He then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. It turned out that the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing – what Gottman called Turning Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. This suggests the secret to relationship stability is turning towards each other instead of turning away.
As part of his research on what makes relationships work, Dr John Gottman recruited several hundred newlyweds, observed how they interacted together, interviewed them and had them fill in a range of questionnaires designed to get a baseline on how stable their relationships were. He then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. It turned out that the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing – what Gottman called Turning Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. This suggests the secret to relationship stability is turning towards each other instead of turning away.
This is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you can not do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids of connection.
A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, support, validation, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids. When you turn towards your partner’s bid for connection you are effectively communicating “I am here for you”, “You are important to me”, “I am interested in you”.
Bids can get tricky, however, so it’s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer – the true meaning behind the words. Call it the difference between text and subtext. Here are a few examples to get your brain going:
Text Subtext
How do I look? Can I have your attention?
Let’s put the kids to bed. Can I have your help?
I talked to my sister today. Will you chat with me?
Did I tell you the one about…? Will you enjoy me?
Want to cuddle? Can I have your affection?
Want to play cards? Will you play with me?
I had a terrible lunch meeting today. Will you help me de-stress?
To “miss” a bid is to “turn away.” Turning away can be devastating. It can be even more devastating than “turning against” or explicitly rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.
It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Try making the word “bid” part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It’s okay to say, “I’m making a bid for attention now”. Have some fun with bids, make cheeky bids, playful bids as well as more vulnerable bids for attention and emotional support.
Turning towards starts with paying attention. Simply recognizing that a bid has been made opens the door to response. If you’ve really been paying attention, you’ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.
What do I know about how I make bids?
What do I know about how my partner makes bids?
Could or should I get better at making bids? How?
How good am I at recognizing the difference between text and subtext?
What keeps me from making bids?
What is my impulse for turning? Do I turn away or against more often than I turn towards?
When it comes to turning towards, am I closer to 33% or 86%?
What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?
How can I get better at turning towards?
As you continue moving through life together, you will undoubtedly have to risk heading into more vulnerable territory. This will be easier if you’ve committed to building a solid friendship based Turning Towards Instead of Away. If you want to learn more about making bids or turning towards register for one of our couples’ workshops