The Rapoport intervention is designed to help the partners have a conversation where both partners feel listened to, understood and validated … not necessarily agreed with … by the end of the intervention. The sharing of feelings and articulation of “positive needs” (what they want, rather than what they don’t want) by the Speaker is received, reflected back and validated by the Listener. The structure makes room for both partners to share their positions and feel heard, even on edgy or perpetual issues. Understanding and feeling understood is the desired outcome. A successful Rapoport intervention typically reduces tension, softens the atmosphere and leaves the partners feeling a bit more connected. In some cases, it may result in revealing deeper themes, but this is not the explicit intent.
The Dreams Within Conflict intervention then goes beyond this, with the focus on exploring why the want, wish or need is soooo important to them. It’s the intensity or depth of the need that contributes to the gridlock. Their positions on the issue are not only different but they’ve arrived at the point that they can’t truly converse or dialogue about it. We think of gridlock as being related to a value or “core need” that is central to who they are or how they see the world. At that level, it feels non-negotiable. They can’t give in without feeling they’ve betrayed themselves. The Dreams intervention then is about exploring the depth that has created the gridlock, it’s not just about understanding what their partner feels and needs. It’s about the “why”!
Once partners have a clear articulation of why this issue is so central, they no longer view their partner as being selfish, stubborn or oppositional. In the best case, they might even begin to develop a sense of compassion or empathy for each other. With the gridlock softened … dialogue is possible.
Towards this end, the Dreams intervention invites/requires the clinician to guide the process in search of the “deeper meaning” that is symbolically represented in the surface, gridlocked conflict. This is where the clinician’s ability to attune to both partners and be aware of the emotional themes below the surface is essential.
The heart of this intervention is about exploration. The Speaker is invited to explore and perhaps discover the “deeper meaning” below the gridlock. The Listener then is charged with helping the Speaker feel “safe” enough to vulnerably plumb the depths of the issue. This is no small task on a topic that has been rife with tension, strife and acrimony. Using the Dream Catcher questions as a guide, the Listener offers interest, curiosity and presence as they go through the questions. The therapist is asked to preserve the structure that keeps the focus on the Speakers exploration. This takes the form of staying out of problem solving or any shift to the Listener’s point of view. (This is why we typically delay too much reflection or validation until the end of the intervention) With the focus clearly on the Speakers exploration, the flow of the questions naturally trends towards more depth.
In addition to their attunement to the partners, the primary task of the clinician is to “coach” the Listener to ask questions that facilitate the exploration. While the clinician may, on occasion directly ask a question of the Speaker, this should be the exception rather than the rule. The hope is that by the end of the experience, the partners feel a presence and connection with one another that was blocked by the gridlock. We want the bonding experience to be between the partners. This is the basis of the emphasis on a dyadic flow between the partners. The clinician’s contribution is essential, but not central to the actual flow of the exploration.
Join Dr Bill Bumberry at our Live via ZOOM training - Deepening Couples Therapy: Working with Emotions
Wednesday 18th September 2024 - click here for more information