Is it too early to start hoping that we are finally coming out of two years of mask wearing, lock downs, isolation, limited travel, and holidays? The pandemic came with a high toll for individuals, relationships, families, and communities across this country. All this compounded by recent devastating flooding with many communities declared disaster zones has certainly added to a growing experience of feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious, stretching our reserves of resilience. Below we share three sensible and practical activities to use during your Easter break to restore resilience in your relationship when both of you are feeling fatigued or depleted.
Activity 1: Be on each other’s team
The Stress Reducing Conversation is a wonderful way to turn towards your partner ...
To listen and empathise with their external stressors and worries like work or difficulties with a friend. The Stress Reducing Conversation is a daily 20–30-minute conversation you have with your partner, taking turns telling each other about your daily stressors, highs and lows. Each partner gets to be the speaker for 10-15 minutes, while the other is the listener.
It is important not to give advice or try to problem solve as this can inadvertently suggest to the speaker that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem; understanding must precede advice. Let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma, effectively showing that they are not alone, and you are on their side. The listener communicates that we are a team and together we get through this. Importantly the listener shows empathy that not only do you hear your partners stressors and concerns but that you understand and validate their emotions as well. It is important that you give your partner your full attention without distractions such as mobiles and laptops.
Task
Set aside 30 minutes to do a stress reducing conversation, try to do two of these conversations during the Easter break.
Activity 2: Find words and phrases to repair
A happy and connected relationship does not occur through the elimination of conflict, conflict is not the relationship enemy, we do not need to declare war on conflict. Indeed, conflict weeds out aspects of our relationship that may not serve us well anymore. Conflict allows for the expression of opinions, thoughts and feelings and allows your partner into your inner world. However, sometimes we raise issues in harsh ways and words come out of our mouth that we want to take back, this is inevitable and happens in all relationships, for example snapping at your partner when the electricity bill is late for payment—'why didn’t you pay this when it was due, sometimes you are so careless now we have a late fee…’ When these critical or harsh statements emerge, it is important to recognise them and make a repair, not just leave it floating. For example a repair can be, ‘Sorry that came out too harsh let me try again’ or ‘Let me start a little gentler this time, I’m really worried about our finances and paying bills on time for me is important so can we talk about this?’ Repairs are a way to stop conflict from escalating. Couples that make frequent small repairs report significant decreases in negative conflict. Importantly the partner needs to hear and accept the repair attempted, knowing that their partner is trying to keep conflict constructive.
Task
Over the Easter break practise using repairs if conversations start to head south, think about whether you can say this so your partner will hear it and not bat it away.
Activity 3: Fondness and admiration
Intentionally building friendship in your relationship goes a long way in growing connection and filling the relationship emotional bank account. It actually doesn’t have to cost a cent, but it does require a commitment to deliberately scan for the positives in your relationship and your partner and then to let them know, to communicate the positive thought. The quintessential Aussie flick, ‘The Castle’ has many great examples of fondness and admiration. One example is upon the presentation of dessert after dinner the husband asks his wife, “What do you call that darl?”, she replies, “A sponge cake” and he says “What’s that white stuff on top?” and she says bemused “Icing sugar”. He turns to his two sons at the dinner table and says, “How is that kids? Now why would want to go out to a restaurant, when this keeps coming night after night”. Not surprisingly, when praise is given public, in front of family, friends and colleagues it has more weight. It strongly and publicly says I hold my partner in high regard.
Task
Over the Easter break take the opportunity when you are with friends or family to tell a positive story about your partner that demonstrates their strength and capacity. Tell the story while demonstrating you are proud of your partner.
Have a great Easter and safe travels.