Very often when couples present for couples therapy they are in a heightened state of conflict and this may have been the over-riding state of their relationship for years. They have experienced a lot of hurt and pain over this time and are scared to show vulnerability in any way. In other words they have on their protective chain mail protecting and hiding their softness and gentleness from each other.
In this model of couples therapy it is not the therapists decision as to whether the couple should continue to work on their relationship or not, this is entirely the couple’s decision.
When fondness and admiration has been undermined by negativity, poorly managed conflict, attachment injuries, etc, it means that those things need to be repaired before the couple can begin to feel fondness and admiration again.
Gottman says that you can never be sure just how deeply fondness and admiration can be buried under the mountain of negativity that has built up over time. The therapist goal is to provide a therapeutic process that allows the couple to access the positivity again by assisting them to have respectful, productive and connecting conversations about their areas of conflict and difference.
This is done by helping them self regulate during conflict, eliminate the use of the 4 horsemen from their dialogue, develop listening skills through the use of the Gottman Rapoport Intervention, to get greater understanding of each other’s differences through the use of the Dreams Within Conflict intervention, to learn how to be influenced by each other and compromise. It is just as important that they learn to make and receive effective repairs.
Once they have some positive and connecting experiences around managing conflict they will begin to naturally feel more positive towards each other and may automatically begin offering appreciations and showing fondness and affection.
So the moral of the story is – don’t give up before the couple does!