We are social animals and have a deep and underlying desire to find that one perfect person, our ‘soul mate’, to spend the rest of our days with in perfect happiness and harmony. But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology has shed some light on this mystery in an effort to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a lifetime.
We are social animals and have a deep and underlying desire to find that one perfect person, our ‘soul mate’, to spend the rest of our days with in perfect happiness and harmony. But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology has shed some light on this mystery in an effort to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a lifetime.
Are we ever really compatible?
Dating sites boast about their in-depth personality tests, and claim that someone with similar answers to the questions on their tests can result in finding the perfect mate, but how well and how long do the relationships that have similar interests and quirks truly last?
Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas ran a longitudinal study of couples that had been married for years and in his research he discovered that “there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.” Shock! Horror!
Dr. Hudson went on to say that couples who feel content and warmth in their relationships said that compatibility wasn’t an issue for them. In fact, they said that it was them who made the relationship work, not the compatibility of their personalities. But when unhappy couples were asked what they thought about compatibility, they all answered by saying that compatibility was extremely important to a marriage. Dr. Hudson explains that when the unhappy couples said, “we’re incompatible” they were truly meaning, “We don’t get along very well.”
That’s where the issue arises with compatibility – everyone who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.
In his research John Gottman, found that couples who focus their energy on building something meaningful together in their life (e.g., a family, a rich system of shared rituals, symbols and meaning together) tend to last the longest. Additionally he found that how a couple interacts is the single, most fundamental aspect to creating a successful relationship. Meaning, it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how you treat each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.
John Gottman argues that in successful long term relationships partners support each other’s life dreams. They look up to, admire, and respect each other. Now this sounds ideal, but when you truly reflect on how you’ve always wanted to be treated, having someone who genuinely believes in your greatness and is the leader of your cheer squad is paramount.
Final Thoughts On Finding You Soulmate
If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person that you can spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who creates compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for making a close, loving, intimate relationship. So next time you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, pay attention to whether or not they can see and can support the dream you envisioned for your own life. If they can share in your delight and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow, then you have found your “soulmate.”
To find out more about John Gottman’s work please feel free to register for one of our programs for couples or for therapists.