One of the most difficult emotions to deal with in couple therapy is contempt. Feelings of superiority, self-righteousness, and a lack of empathy can quickly escalate conflict and lead to gridlock. It can be expressed as sarcasm, put downs, sneering, eye-rolling and of course swearing, name-calling and yelling.
If you suspect that contempt is an issue in a couple's relationship, there are a few things you can do to help them manage it. First, help them to understand what contempt is and why it's so harmful to their relationship. Dr John Gottman demonstrated in seven different studies that he could predict with 93% accuracy which couples would be separated within three years just based on the amount of contempt present during a 10 minute conflict conversation.
Next, encourage them to express their feelings in a more positive way. Instead of sarcasm or belittling comments, have them try a gentler way of communicating saying something like "I feel frustrated by this situation, and I need us to figure out a better way to deal with it.”
Finally, help them to find ways to show appreciation for each other. Building a culture of appreciation within the relationship is a great way to eliminate contempt. This could be something as simple as telling their partner "thank you" more often, expressing what they value about their partner, naming their partner’s positive qualities whenever they see them, or writing them a heartfelt letter expressing their love and appreciation.
Dealing with contemptuous feelings can be difficult, but it's important to remember that contempt is often a cover for other emotions such as fear, insecurity, and vulnerability. When dealing with contempt in therapy, it's important to explore the underlying emotions that are driving the contemptuous behaviours. Often, addressing these underlying emotions can help resolve the issue at hand.
It's also important to remember that contempt is a learned behaviour. This means that it can be unlearned and replaced with more constructive behaviours. In couple therapy, we work with couples to help them identify the patterns of contemptuous behaviour and replace them with more positive patterns of communication generally focussed on helping them to communicate their underlying feelings and needs.
It's important to understand that contempt is addictive. The rush of feeling superior to one's partner can be intoxicating, but it ultimately leads to further disconnection and distance. In couple therapy, we help couples understand the damaging effects of contempt and work together to find ways to overcome it.
Therefore, when you observe contempt in your couple’s communication. Intervene, every time and help the speaker to understand the detrimental impact of that style of communication, work with them to understand their underlying more vulnerable feelings that are driving the contempt and then teach them how to communicate their feelings and needs in a gentler more collaborative way. This is the antidote to the destructiveness of contempt.
You can learn a lot more about how to intervene and eliminate these kinds of negative communication patterns in our upcoming Gottman Therapy Level 1 training.