For many of us Christmas is an important annual ritual of connection, but the way we celebrate Christmas can vary considerably. For some couples Christmas can be a deeply spiritual and very personal experience that draws them closer together. For others Christmas can be a source of tension, conflict and misery. Dr John Gottman found in his research looking at what made relationships work that couples who had developed a culture rich with symbols and rituals and an appreciation for the roles and goals that link them together had much more stable and satisfying relationships.
For many of us Christmas is an important annual ritual of connection, but the way we celebrate Christmas can vary considerably. For some couples Christmas can be a deeply spiritual and very personal experience that draws them closer together. For others Christmas can be a source of tension, conflict and misery. Dr John Gottman found in his research looking at what made relationships work that couples who had developed a culture rich with symbols and rituals and an appreciation for the roles and goals that link them together had much more stable and satisfying relationships.
Appropriately chosen rituals can help couples feel more connected throughout their day-to-day life. Rituals provide a sense of stability, predictability, and purpose. For instance, you and your family members can agree to take your shoes off before coming into the house. This sets the stage for experiencing “home” as distinct from “non-home.” Consciously talking about and establishing a range of formal and informal rituals in your daily, weekly, monthly, yearly lives works to create important touchstones that you can count on, and that give depth to the meaning and purpose you are creating together.
An easy way to begin consciously establishing meaningful rituals of connection is to start by talking to each other about the kinds of traditions and rituals that you each had when you were growing up. What are your best and worst memories? What would have made them better? What are these rituals like for you today? What do they mean or symbolize to you? How would you like them to be now? Share each of your past experiences with these traditions and create special ones of your own – for this year, and for the many years to come!
Take the time to do the exercise below together, and talk about the rituals that are most important to you. Discovering what kinds of rituals the two of you would like to introduce or continue in your relationship will help you in many ways: to feel the comfort and trust that comes from relying on regular routines, on turning towards each other, building stronger bonds, and inevitably deepening your emotional connection! The more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be.
Exercise: Examining Your Rituals
Waking up, waking one another up
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, &/or coffee together
Bedtime
Leaving one another
Reuniting
Handling finances
Holding dinner parties/entertaining friends
Athletics, exercise
Celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Easter, etc.)
Taking care of each other when sick
Renewing your spirit/de-stressing
Taking vacations, getaways, traveling
Recreation, games, play
Dates and romantic evenings
Attending or participating in sporting events
Watching television
Going out to the movies
Going to concerts, plays, cultural events
Going dancing
Running errands, doing chores
Participating in community events
Doing charity work
Doing schoolwork
Soothing other people’s feelings
Apologizing or repairing feelings after an argument
Religious services, festivals, holidays
Common hobbies
Making art
When you discuss the rituals of connection in your relationship, make sure that you and your partner both have the time and energy for it. Remember that this exercise is meant to be an ongoing conversation and not to be completed all at once! Rituals will change over the years as your family grows and changes. The key is to create rituals that you and your children will happily remember and reminisce about for many, many years to come.