February has been known as the romance month since well before the 5th century. The holiday has origins in the Roman festival of Lupercalia, held in mid-February. The festival celebrated the coming of spring, and included fertility rites and the pairing off of women with men by lottery, resulting naturally in a glut of newborns arriving during the weeks leading up to Christmas. At the end of the 5th century, Pope Gelasius I, concerned about the growing size of the lower classes, forbade the celebration of Lupercalia.
The notion was revived however in the 14th century by none other than Geoffrey Chaucer. He wrote a 699 line poem called ‘Parliament of Fowls’ about a group of birds that gather together in the early spring on ‘seynt valentynes day’ to choose their mates for the year.
By the 17th century enterprising young flower sellers (think Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady) were calling to young men in the marketplace to ‘Trap your lady’s heart with flowers on Saint Valentine’s day, sir – primroses two bunches a penny!’ And by the end of that century industrious printers had begun creating commercial Valentine’s Day cards to accompany those flowers.
It only took 300 years to turn Valentines day into the $60 billion dollar business we know it as today. All for one day of the year!
But here’s the thing, Gottman demonstrated clearly in his research that in happy, satisfying, successful relationships romance is a daily occurrence.
When we think about the word – romance – it can mean many things, amorousness, love, passion, ardor, desire, affair, fling, a feeling of excitement, or mystery associated with love. It can be a noun - the romance of Paris or of Romeo and Juliet. It can be a verb - ‘He romanced them with flowers, gifts and gestures of love.’ It can be an action – the romantic dance, or an atmosphere we can create with starlight, candles, rose petals, music, a particular look or attitude. It can be many, many things.
Romance doesn’t need expensive gifts or night’s out, although those things are nice once in a while. It really comes down to the way I treat my partner on a daily basis. Do I look at them with love? Do I treat them gently, lovingly? Do I tell them why they are special to me? Do I attend to their needs? Do I make time to be present with them? Do I show them I care about them, that I think about them, even when they are not with me?
Romance, like foreplay, is every positive thing you do in your relationship every day. The more you do, the happier, the more satisfying, the more successful your relationship is likely to be. So, sure, celebrate Valentine’s Day but don’t just do it on February 14. Make it your mission to do it every single day. In the words of Chaucer, “Many small (romances) make a great (romance).”