In one of our supervision groups recently, a clinician discussed a case in which some behaviour during the early years of the couple’s relationship had been less than respectful or desirable. The couple had discussed this many times, had sought therapy and had managed to stay together. However, fifteen years later, the offended partner, who was now in individual therapy, was finding themself ‘full of anger’. They acknowledged that the behaviour had stopped, and they believed their partner understood how the behaviour had been offensive and the hurt it had incurred, and yet they were still ‘seething with anger below the surface.’ One of the client’s goals for couple therapy was ‘to let go of the anger’.
How do we ‘let go’ of Anger?
Anger persists when our negative thoughts perseverate. In other words, when we keep thinking about how outraged we are by the situation, angry feelings continue to rise. We can tell our clients to reframe their thinking, distract themselves, practice mindful breathing, etc. However, the reality is anger will persist until we choose to forgive.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the conscious decision to relinquish resentment or anger towards someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness is for your own well-being, not for the offending person’s. It involves a shift in perspective, allowing you to move beyond the hurt, release your painful feelings, and lead you to emotional healing.
Why is Forgiveness Important?
Forgiveness has many benefits for both mental and physical well-being. For example:
- Forgiveness can reduce feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness, leading to a sense of peace and emotional relief.
- Letting go of grudges can lower stress levels and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression.
- Forgiving others can help mend and strengthen relationships, fostering healthier communication and understanding.
- Studies suggest that forgiveness can lead to lower blood pressure, reduced heart rate, and improved immune function.
- Practicing forgiveness can enhance empathy and compassion towards others, improving social connections.
- The process of forgiving can promote personal growth, self-reflection, and a deeper understanding of oneself.
- Some research indicates that holding onto anger can contribute to chronic pain, while forgiveness may help alleviate it.
- Overall, forgiving can lead to greater life satisfaction and happiness.
- For many, forgiveness is tied to spiritual beliefs, promoting a sense of purpose and connection to a larger community.
How can we support forgiveness in couple work?
When you think about it, every couple who comes to couple therapy feels hurt by their partner. John Gottman talks about each hurt being like a stone in your shoe, and unless you release it, you continue to feel hurt. We are fortunate that Gottman Couple Therapy is automatically structured to set us up to be able to support the couple to forgive each other. For example:
- We automatically create a safe space for partners to express their feelings, thoughts, and grievances. Open dialogue can help the hurt partner articulate their pain, while the other partner can share their perspective, fostering understanding.
- We guide partners in exploring their emotions related to the issue at hand, including feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. This emotional exploration can lead to greater empathy and compassion.
- we help couples identify negative patterns in their interactions that may have contributed to the situation. Recognising these patterns can pave the way for healthier communication and behaviours moving forward.
- We encourage the offending partner to take responsibility for their actions. Acknowledgment of wrongdoing can be a crucial step toward forgiveness.
- We might use exercises that encourage partners to see things from each other’s perspectives, fostering empathy and understanding.
- We can engage with the hurt partner in looking at what forgiveness looks like for them and how they can rebuild trust.
- We provide tools and strategies (e.g. Self and co-regulation, antidotes for the four horsemen, skills for really listening, validating and empathising) for managing emotions and stress, helping partners navigate the complexities of forgiveness.
- We might suggest rituals or exercises that symbolise forgiveness, helping to solidify the process.
- Sometimes, having clients reflect on forgiveness quotes can be helpful:
- Without forgiveness, there is no future – Desmond Tutu
- Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future – Paul Boose.
- Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself – Jodi Picoult.
- When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow. - Anonymous
Forgiveness in relationships cannot be underestimated. As Darlene Schacht puts it, ‘A successful marriage isn’t the union of two perfect people; it’s that of two imperfect people who have learned the value of forgiveness and grace.
To learn more about forgiveness, join us for our Level 2 training on 16, 17 and 18 July, where we look at recovery from betrayal in more detail.