Betrayal is a powerful word that often conjures up images of dramatic, earth-shattering events, like being caught red-handed in a compromising position with your partner’s best friend; or finding the receipt for jewellery that’s been sent to another in your partner’s coat pocket, or arriving home unexpectedly and finding your partner entertaining someone else in your bed. All these stories and more have found their way into my therapy room and yours too I bet.
However, the truth is that betrayal can also come in smaller, more subtle forms, and these small betrayals can significantly impact relationships even more than the bigger ones. While they may not make the evening news or lead to immediate breakups, the effects of these small betrayals can erode trust, eat away intimacy, and pulverize connection over time.
For example, Carissa and Sam attended couple therapy in a very disconnected state. Sam reported that he had lived his five-year relationship with Carissa in a state of constant humiliation and shame. In investigating the reasons for this, he shared that Carissa frequently posts on social media or shares at social or family events ‘funny’ stories about his incompetence, things like how he locked the family out of the house one evening or lost the car keys when they were on holiday or smells out the bathroom. She has also taken things he had shared with her about his workplace or family and made those experiences and feelings public. While these appear on the surface as minor and, maybe to others, funny things, over time, these small betrayals can influence the relationship's overall health.
What Are Small Betrayals?
Small betrayals in relationships can take many forms, ranging from seemingly insignificant actions to ongoing behaviours that gradually chip away at the foundation of trust. These can include forgetting important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc), promises, or commitments, dismissing a partner's feelings or opinions, being consistently late, failing to follow through on responsibilities, and sharing private information about your partner that doesn’t put them in a good light. While each act may seem minor in isolation, the cumulative effect of these small betrayals can be catastrophic.
The Impact of Small Betrayals
Small betrayals can lead to a breakdown in communication, a decline in intimacy, and a gradual erosion of trust. When someone repeatedly fails to keep their word or disregards their partner's feelings, it sends a message – “Your needs and emotions are not valued or worthy of consideration.”. Over time, this can create a sense of emotional distance and resentment, leading to feelings of hurt, anger, and insecurity.
Moreover, small betrayals can also trigger a cycle of negative reciprocal behaviour. For example, Sam discloses that he is ashamed of how disrespectfully he now speaks to and about his partner. He shares how embarrassed he was when his mother recently pulled him aside and said angrily “I didn’t raise you to treat people like that, for the first time in your life I feel truly ashamed of you!” (Go mum!) This is what ultimately led him to insist they attend couple therapy.
Addressing Small Betrayals
Addressing small betrayals in relationships requires open, gentle and honest communication. Both partners must recognise and acknowledge the impact of these behaviours and their own role in perpetuating them. This means taking responsibility for one's actions, actively listening to the other's concerns and caring about how they feel. It means demonstrating an ongoing commitment to continuous change and growth.
Couples can also benefit from creating shared expectations for the way they treat each other; developing shared stories about ‘who we are’ as a couple; for example, we are the couple who build each other up, not tear each other down; we show up for each other, we are forgiving and appreciative in equal measure, we are first and foremost loyal to each other.
By openly discussing what is important to each partner and establishing mutual agreements, they can create a framework for respectful and considerate behaviour. Additionally, cultivating empathy and understanding for each other's perspectives can help prevent small betrayals from occurring in the first place.
Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust in the wake of small betrayals requires patience, effort, and a willingness to forgive. Both partners must be willing to work on repairing the damage, which may involve significance guidance from their therapist in navigating the process. It must be a bilateral repair process with both partners doing their bit to rebuild a new sense of trust. A ‘felt’ sense of trust. This can only be done over time with consistent demonstrations of having each other’s backs.
Ultimately, addressing small betrayals in relationships, repairing the many accompanying wounds and rebuilding the damaged parts of the Sound Relationship House is essential for nurturing a healthy, lasting, stable attachment.