One of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that one or both of the partners feels that they are not important, or that the relationship itself is not important – it’s pushed aside by work or childcare or housework or FaceBook or family or friends or…..
This is often a pattern that couples fall into. Both feel disconnected. They may not argue but they also don’t talk beyond mapping out the logistics of the day or week. They fall into parallel lives, daily routines with each doing their own thing. They can’t remember the last time they have had a date night.
They tell me “We have kids, we don’t have time for date nights.”
Turns out date nights are not the only answer – here are the 7 tips I give lonely couples for reconnecting their relationships.
1. Check-in with each other – spend just 15 minutes each evening showing genuine interest in your partner. Ask open ended questions that tell you something about the way your partner feels or experiences their life, e.g., What is your favourite time of the day and why? How do you think our family is doing? What adventures would you like to have before you die? – (for a simple starter, go to the app store and download the Gottman Card Decks. This includes Open Ended Questions and 13 other free card decks to explore with your partner)
2. Practice non-defensive responding - When your partner raises a complaint, try and avoid that easy response of defending – No, I didn’t – and then stacking up evidence to make your case. Basically what you are doing at this point is trying to convince the other that you’re right, they are wrong. You then start to argue over whose reality is right, who is more the victim.
Don’t do this. Yes, easier said than done, but the attitude you need to try on here is: "Even though I feel that I’m doing my best, I see that you are still not happy. Because I care about you, I want to understand what you need and will try and make it better." This is not giving in to the other person, but being a sensitive, reasonable adult.
3. Resist the urge to counter attack - Counter attacking is usually the next step in the escalating argument: “You’re complaining about this, but I don’t say anything about that…” This again is about power struggling, not good. Yes, your complaints may be valid, but save them for the moment. Again this doesn't mean you have to bite your tongue forever, but rather that you are dealing with one problem at a time. For now focus on your partner’s concerns, and at a later time when you are both calm, bring up your own.
4. Schedule couple time. - Okay, enough on the negative. Think positive. Because it is so easy to go on auto-pilot and drift apart, you need to go against inertia and plan date nights, fun activities, romance and weekend trips. You both need to create positive shared experiences in order to counter the mundane, build good memories, and have something to look forward to. Take it in turns to plan a date night or a fun outing or a weekend away that you think your partner will enjoy. Make sure you organise all the details, even the babysitter for the kids!
5. Treat each other with courtesy, sensitivity, and respect - John Gottman says “Couples don’t fight about the dishes, they fight about how they feel they are being treated.” This is the foundation of everything above. When you treat each other like someone you love and care about this works to down-grade the intensity of your conflict. It’s hard to fight with someone who is being kind, respectful and caring towards you.
6. State of the Union meetings - Allocate a time each week to talk about your relationship. Take it in turns to say “Right now in our relationship I feel (insert 3 – 5 positive feelings,) and if I was going to ask for one thing more this week it would be more (choose whatever your heart desires) - Example: “Right now in our relationship I’m feeling supported, closer to you, happy, and peaceful and if I were to ask for one thing more week it would be more cuddling on the couch in the evenings” – Who can say no to that?
7. Talk about your sex lives - Once a week talk about your sex lives. Ask questions like – How do you think our sex life is going? What would make it better for you? If this is a tricky topic for you don’t avoid it, keep it on the table, try to talk about your needs and how your partner can be successful in meeting them. The Gottman Card Decks have 2 decks called Sex Questions for Him and Sex Questions for Her, these are great aids in opening up conversations about your sexual needs. The Salsa Cards are also a great way to build romance and passion back into your life along with some sexy suggestions.
The most important thing in a relationship is that you keep talking – about EVERYTHING.