Do you feel like your arguments come out of nowhere?
And sometimes you can’t remember what you were fighting about - but it gets nasty and hurtful!
Communication break-down happens when you allow the four horsemen - criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling to enter your relationship.
DR John Gottman found through his research - these four things were the most reliable predictors a divorce was inevitable.
And sometimes you can’t remember what you were fighting about - but it gets nasty and hurtful!
Communication break-down happens when you allow the four horsemen - criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling to enter your relationship.
Dr John Gottman found through his research - these four things were the most reliable predictors a divorce was inevitable.
The good news is, couples who want to protect their marriage from divorce, can learn to manage or even eliminate the four horsemen from their relationships - by following these six steps...
Step One: Change your dialogue
When the discussion becomes personal, learn to say things like:
“Hey, that hurt my feelings."
"I heard that as criticism."
"Can you say that more gently please?”
Talk about how your partner’s feelings got hurt. Do this by being curious.
For example, you could say: “Really, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, can you help me understand how you heard that?”
It may feel awkward at first, but if you persevere, you'll form a new healthy relationship habit.
Step Two: Be aware of yourself
Learn how to use a gentle start-up.
This is a gentle invitation to your partner to engage in a collaborative conversation about a problem.
Try saying: “Honey, I'm worried about our budget, can we find some time to review it?”
Step Three: You’re on the same team
Turn towards and attune to your partner's needs using non-defensive responding.
Dr John Gottman suggests saying something like “Help me understand your concerns.”
Instead of going into automatic defensiveness and saying things such as “Don’t blame me, I’ve only been buying necessities.”
Step Four: Hear your partner out first
Listen carefully, being curious, and working to understand your partner’s position before communicating your own perspective.
Try asking open questions like, "Can you tell me more about that?" "What would be the worst thing about this for you?" "What would be your ideal dream here?"
Step Five: Change your approach
Take an “I’m on your side” attitude to the discussion. Instead of thinking to yourself "No, that won't work!" try asking yourself "Which parts of this CAN I get on board with?"
Step Six: Plan together
First, share your perspectives with each other. Then brainstorm together and collaborate on a temporary solution. Remembering to review your progress regularly.
In conclusion:
The four horseman can have a devastating impact when allowed to enter your relationship. These steps will help eradicate them and reverse the negative direction your relationship is going in.
So NEVER give up on a relationship. Learn to reverse the predictors of divorce instead.
If you would like to learn more about these and other ways to improve your relationship join us at an Art and Science of Love Couples weekend in Brisbane or Melbourne.