Creating Everyday Rituals that are meaningful for you and your family

I recently asked my 3 grown-up children what they enjoyed most when they were growing up. Son No 1 said “I really liked how we would have those family days on the weekend. We always did fun stuff together.”

Son No 2 said, “I always liked the times we sat around the dinner table and just talked about all sorts of things. In fact I still really enjoy that.”

Baby Daughter said, “I have always loved our family vacations. It’s always so exciting to go somewhere new together. I like the excitement of knowing we are going and then talking about it for months and planning how we are going to have fun together. Those vacations felt like the lasted for months because of how much we talked about it before we went.”

The interesting thing for me about this was that as empty nesters with grown up children, we are still doing these things.  We still have family days, now they are more likely once a month rather than once a week, and now they include grandchildren as well.

We still have family dinner together, every Wednesday night and no-one ever misses it even when living interstate Son No 2 would FaceTime us and he would be part of the conversation.

We still go on family holidays together for one week every year.  Over the years we have been to all sorts of places in Australia and overseas together and our adventures frequently come up in our conversations many years later.

As couples and families we have a unique opportunity to create meaningful rituauals that bond us together, these give us a sense of belonging and help us feel valued, worthy, secure and safe.  When you make decisions together, it strengthens family relationships, increases family support and makes family life more fun. In fact, families who talk and plan together are more successful and happier than families who don't.

Creating shared meaning, shared stories and shared expectations helps increase understanding of our own and others needs.  Here are some suggestions you can make for creating everyday rituals that are meaningful and that will bring you closer together:

1. Set aside certain days or times when you will do a family activity together. I know a family that allows every member of the family to choose a family activity once each month, it can be going to the beach together on Sunday, or getting pizza and watching a movie together on Friday night, or heading to a museum together.  The rule is that no matter what the person chooses, everyone in the family has to go along in the spirit of making it a great day for the person who nominated the activity.  This teaches children to temporarily set their own wants  aside and “be there for their sibling or parent”.  It makes the chooser feel valued, important and supported.  It creates meaningful memories for all family members that bond them together.
2. Make dinner a family event.  This ritual provides protected time for you to catch up with your family members’ day and for them to catch up with you.  This allows everyone to feel known, valued and supported.  Some families encourages their children to talk about the best thing from their day and the worst thing from their day.  This gives them an opportunity to be cheered and also to be empathized with.  It also helps them learn how to be supportive and empathic to their siblings and their parents.  It develops a caring and nurturing atmosphere in the family.
3. Create special family behaviors-things you do with just each other. When my children were growing up  and they began to feel uncomfortable with public displays of affection we developed a ritual of hugging and showing physical affection in private at home before we left for the school drop off or to visit their friends.  Then as they skipped off with their friends we simply said “See ya” with our secret wink which communicated “Goodbye, I love you.”  It was a daily ritual that left us feeling loved and happy.
4. Make bedtime a loving event. Every child wants to go to bed feeling loved and secure. No matter what happened during your day-even if it was frenetic and chaotic-you can tuck your children in with the same ritual every night. It makes them feel grounded and safe. Whether you read them a book, tell them a story, say prayers with them or something more creative and unique to your family, take the time to connect with them one on one and let them know how precious they are to you.
5. Do family projects and household tasks together. Whether it's doing dishes, folding laundry, washing the car or cleaning out the garage, ask your kids to pitch in. If you've developed a family value of cooperation, participation and helping each other, it won't be difficult to get them engaged. It will teach them the spirit of generosity and the attitude of giving; the pride, loyalty and sense of team that comes from helping each other; and the value of putting the best interests of someone else ahead of their own. Your kids are part of who you are as a family and what you do together, so teaching them to become contributing members of the family increases their sense of belonging. It can be a ritual-a regular habit-to help each other get the work done because it's just what you do as a family.

It's exciting to be a part of a family that hangs together and enjoys one another. It’s thrilling to know that your adult children prioritise and want to spend time with you.  It’s gratifying to watch your children create rituals of connection with their partners and children.  You can think of your rituals as strategies that are unique to your family to help keep you close and interacting with each other in positive and healthy ways for life.