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Do You Know Your Emotional Command Systems?
27 April 2017 / For therapists
According to research conducted by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp, there are seven distinct “emotional command systems” believed to be present in each person’s brain. Each command system coordinates the emotional, behavioral, and physical responses needed for certain functions related to survival, including rest, procreation, and self-defense.
John Gottman has given these systems descriptive labels to help us understand how each one functions. As he explains in The Relationship Cure, acknowledging emotional similarities and differences in your relationships is an important part of bidding and responding to bids for emotional connection.
Working with Affair Couples - Establishing a Safe and Trusting Environment
25 February 2017 / For therapists / Gottman Marital Therapy
Tom and Evette presented for therapy 8 weeks after Tom had discovered that Evette had been involved with another man from her workplace. At the time of their presentation Evette has refused to discuss the affair with Tom, simply saying that “It’s over, stop going on about it.” Tom is understandably angry and hostile towards Evette. He is frustrated that Evette will not discuss the affair saying frequently, “I have a right to know!” Tom has hundreds of questions that he wants answers to while Evette is “scared” to talk about it because she is sure talking about it will make things worse.
As most couples begin to address the consequences of an affair their relationship does not feel safe and trust is completely destroyed. It is therefore critical that therapists working with these clients create a safe, trusting environment for them firstly in the therapy room and eventually in their own homes.
Conducting Marathon Therapy
27 January 2017 / Relationship Help / Gottman Marital Therapy
Marathon Therapy is fast becoming one of the most popular and successful approaches to helping couples through relationship crisis. It is an approach that I would recommend for all couples presenting with significant relationship distress. Marathon Therapy usually consists of 2 to 5 consecutive days of intense, structured, evidence based couples therapy. Marathon Couples' Therapy is a specific type of therapy that is short-term and intensive. Its purpose is to move couples quickly through their current crisis or specific perpetual issue. It is not meant as an on-going, long-term couples' therapy.
View articleIs there sex AFTER bringing baby home!
26 January 2017 / Relationship Help / Bringing Baby Home
It’s an all too familiar scenario.
You excitedly bring home your first baby, full of love, hope and anticipation – only to find that by bringing a new little person into your relationship, your own partnership begins to deteriorate. In fact, research has shown that most new parents will experience a huge increase in arguing and fighting during the first weeks and months of becoming a family. This in turn leads to almost 70% of new parents becoming permanently unhappy within their relationship.
There are many reasons for this potential drop in happiness, but today we are exploring the role that intimacy and sex has during your transition to parenthood – and how this can effect the long-term success of your relationship.
What is the Number One Thing Couples Fight About?
2 January 2017 / Relationship Help
This is a question that is frequently asked of therapists by media. It turns out that couples are mostly fighting about “absolutely nothing”, according to Dr John Gottman. In his research with over 3,000 couples Dr Gottman observed thousands of hours of couples fighting and what he came to see was that couples think they are fighting about wet towels on the floor, or messy kitchens, or a million other day to day things; but what they are actually fighting about is the way they think they are being treated!
View articleLet’s talk Gender and Sexually Diverse Couples
30 December 2016 / Gottman Marital Therapy
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a clinician tell me they treat all their gay and straight couples ‘the same’ I’d be a rich man. Although it’s totally true that same-sex couples bring many of the same issues to their therapist’s offices, working with gender and sexually diverse individuals in relationships is anything but the same as working with their heteronormative counterparts.
View articleHow Are Your Rituals of Connection?
2 December 2016 / Relationship Help
For many of us Christmas is an important annual ritual of connection, but the way we celebrate Christmas can vary considerably. For some couples Christmas can be a deeply spiritual and very personal experience that draws them closer together. For others Christmas can be a source of tension, conflict and misery. Dr John Gottman found in his research looking at what made relationships work that couples who had developed a culture rich with symbols and rituals and an appreciation for the roles and goals that link them together had much more stable and satisfying relationships.
View articleDecember is the most stressful month for couples
24 November 2016 / Gottman Marital Therapy
While Christmas has a reputation for good cheer and joy, it is also the most stressful month of the year for couples, according to Seddons, a law firm in the UK. They report in their 2011 study of 3000 couples that more arguments occur during the month of December than at any other time of the year. It was reported that the average couple has 4 arguments a day during December, or a total of 124 arguments over the month.
View articleDo You Turn Towards or Away from Your Partner
6 November 2016 / Relationship Help
As part of his research on what makes relationships work, Dr John Gottman recruited several hundred newlyweds, observed how they interacted together, interviewed them and had them fill in a range of questionnaires designed to get a baseline on how stable their relationships were. He then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. It turned out that the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing – what Gottman called Turning Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. This suggests the secret to relationship stability is turning towards each other instead of turning away.
View articleRecovering from Infidelity
16 October 2016 / Gottman Marital Therapy
Infidelity in a committed relationship—can severely strain the relationship and the individuals involved. One partner’s affair can leave the other person feeling devastated, alone, betrayed, jealous, confused, and aggrieved. Sometimes, an affair ends a relationship, and other times couples are able to repair the relationship on their own or with the help of a therapist, often making the relationship stronger as a result.
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